Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Open Letter to the Man I Let Go

The first time our eyes met I knew I was a goner. You looked at me like I held the entire world in my hands. I thought love at first glance was only for movies, but now I know different.

People always told me love was hard, but nothing was hard with you. In so many ways it felt like we were old souls who had known each other our entire lives. You became my best friend, my confidant, my world. I didn't know where I ended and you began.

I knew each freckle on your face. I knew your hopes, your dreams, and your biggest fears. There were no secrets between us. One look and I knew what you thinking. 

I loved the way the corners of your mouth would curve into a smile when you were trying to keep a secret. I loved the way you'd turn into a little boy when you saw Christmas lights. I loved how you'd squeeze my hand to tell me you loved me without words. I loved your passion for life. I loved how you'd find adventure in everything. I loved how you'd make me laugh until my sides ached and I had tears streaming down my face. I loved that life with you was never dull.

You were never distracted by your phone when you talked to someone. You really listened. You focused on who were talking to and made them feel like the only person in the room. You made them feel important. You made me feel important.

I loved our late night talks where we would talk about everything. I loved curling up on the couch and watching movies with you. I loved how you'd wrap me in your arms and tell me how much you loved me. I loved how peaceful you looked when you'd fall asleep while watching said movie. I loved listening to your heartbeat.

You always made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. Even when I was wearing sweats and a messy bun you looked at me like I was a beauty queen. No matter what I was wearing you only had eyes for me. You never failed to tell me how beautiful I was and how lucky you were to have me, even in front of your friends.

I loved how you remembered the little things. I loved how you would text me before a test and encourage me. I loved how you'd listen to me fret if I didn't think the test went well. I loved that you always made a big deal about tests that did go well. I loved your unwavering support of me in all of my academic endeavors.

I'll never forget the time I had mono, but you showed up at my door with flowers anyway. Even with mono you told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I told you you were nuts.

I loved how you were always a gentlemen- holding doors open, pulling out my chair, offering me your coat, and paying for me even though I always put up a fight. I loved how you held my hand and kissed my forehead. I loved how you were always proud to bring me along with your friends. 

I'm sorry doesn't seem adequate. I was so young and so scared. I'd watched too many relationships around me fall apart. I didn't want to make the same mistakes. You talked about getting married someday. I couldn't. I had too much I wanted to do. Places I wanted to see. Adventures to be had.

In reality, I was terrified. I didn't want to fail like everyone around me. But I was selfish because I loved you too much. I didn't want to let you go, but I didn't want to be tied down to a commitment I wasn't sure I could keep. 

I will never forget the hurt in your eyes when I told you I didn't want to get married. You were so sure we were strong. You said we could weather the storms and find adventure together. I couldn't make you understand the fear inside me. 

In the end the overwhelming fear of failure won.

Not a day goes by that I don't regret that decision. If I could go back and change it all I would. I would have taken the chance because love is worth it. You were worth it. You treated me like a queen and I threw it all in your face because I was selfish and scared. I'd give anything to go back and change my mind. 

It's been over three years but your memory still haunts me. Every guy since I've compared to you, but not one comes close. No one has made me feel alive the way you did. No one has caused the sparks you did. Some have been nice, but none of them are you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was selfish and scared. I'm sorry I was afraid to trust in love. I'm sorry for everything, but most of all I'm sorry for what could have been. 

But I've never been sorry for loving you. 

No comments:

Post a Comment