Friday, June 30, 2017

It's Ok to Not Be Ok


I've been wanting to write this post for awhile, but I am not one to openly share my feelings. Being vulnerable is something that is incredibly difficult for me. When someone asks me how I'm doing I tend to stick to the typical script of "I'm ok" or "I'm good" even though it's the furthest thing from the truth. In truth it's part laziness/busyness because I don't want to take the time to wade through and figure out how I'm actually doing. The other part of it is no one actually wants to hear how you're really doing. No one wants to hear that you're struggling with (fill in the blank) because that would be awkward. But I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of living behind a facade. Because the truth is it's ok to not be ok. There is nothing wrong with saying I'm really depressed right now or I'm struggling right now and could use a friend. If everyone actually said how they felt it would be so much easier to support one another and be there for each other.

This past month and a half has been incredibly difficult. I've been face with some major life changing decisions, medical challenges, and personal loss, but every single time someone has asked how I've been doing I've responded with the usual, "I'm ok." The truth is I'm not ok and that fact smacked me in the face in a recent conversation with a friend. 

We had been talking through some rather difficult things and I just started crying, like full blown Kim K ugly cry. I am not one to cry, like ever. I tear up when an animal gets hurt in a movie, but full blown crying just isn't me. For some reason I became really good at shutting down emotion and just functioning. But just functioning is not really living.  

When I had calmed down and was able to talk it felt really good to just have someone listen. They didn't offer advice, opinions or anything they just listened. It was pretty therapeutic to just let it all out because I had been holding it all in for awhile. I held it all in until I couldn't hold it anymore and it blew up.

I had been presented an opportunity that would involve moving across the country to a state I've never been and not knowing a soul. The stress of trying to figure out if it would be a good move, both personally and professionally, combined with everyone under the sun offering me their opinions on the opportunity and trying to figure out if the logistics would even make sense had me extremely stressed. At the same time I was dealing with lupus complications. My stomach is greatly affected by lupus and I had been dealing with some major GI issues where there wasn't a clear answer or solution. I was getting tests done, waiting on results, all while living with constant pain, bloat, being unable to leave the house some days because I can't keep food down, and some other issues as well. I have also been dealing with horrific leg pain. It's been a combination of shin splints and restless legs that have made running near impossible this week and caused a TON of pain. Then, a very close family friend passed away rather suddenly. To say I had reached my breaking point was putting it lightly.

I was beyond stressed, the little sleep I was getting disappeared, and I was a zombie walking around. To let all of that out felt so good. I didn't want someone to try to solve my problems or offer advice or judgment, they just listened.

Did talking solve all my problems? No, of course not, but it felt like I wasn't alone in my problems anymore. In the cheesiest sense it felt like a weight had been lifted off. It really is true that sometimes it's best to let it out because holding it all in does you no good. It's not only stressful, but the stress will manifest itself in other ways and negatively impact your health. Sometimes you need to have a Kim K ugly cry moment to let it all out and that's totally ok

I'm still facing all the same decisions and challenges as before but not holding onto it and continually mulling it over has made me feel lighter. Had my friend not pushed me I wouldn't be where I am right now. Right now I'm happier, lighter, and feel much more level. Do I still have a lot of decisions to make? Yeah I do, but now that I've let all the tension, worry and everything else out I feel like I can approach everything from a much better place.

If we would really be honest when someone asks how we are doing it would do us all a world of good. There's nothing wrong with embracing where we are even if where we are isn't in the best place. But no one is a mind reader. You have to tell someone that no you're not ok right now. Does that mean the greeter at the grocery store should hear all your problems? Probably not, they might get a little freaked out, but call a friend and ask to get coffee or to just hangout and talk. Have an honest conversation because I promise you anyone who's worth your time will be there for you. And if you're not comfortable talking to a friend or family member seek professional help, there is no shame in asking for help.

It's ok to not be ok. It doesn't mean you're permanently stuck in a place of not being ok. It means you're being honest with yourself about where you are right now.  

I'm not ok right now and I'm working toward being in a better place, but I'm not afraid to admit I'm not ok. I know I'm not alone and I'm not going to be in this place forever.

10 comments:

  1. gosh this sounds really familiar. In fact, I could have written this and just changed a few details. I have been like this my whole life but lately I've been wondering if I don't get rid of what is bottled up all the time, will I ever really be happy? And I think the answer is no. But this is a hard reality. Most the time I feel like no one is listening when I DO actually try to talk about things. Kind of a vicious circle.

    It truly is ok to not be ok. I hope you will be able soon to make decisions you need to make and will continue to open up when you really need to. It is tough but don't give up.

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    1. I am so sorry you are feeling that way Renée, it's incredibly frustrating when you want to have an honest conversation and are brushed off. Some people have an incredibly difficult time opening up about emotions because we are never really taught to be open about what's bothering us or what we are really thinking so for some it's awkward and difficult. If you don't want to or can't have those conversations with a friend or family member there are TONS of awesome resources out there that you can use. Pastors will always listen and don't charge for their time, but there are professionals who can listen too and offer their input. I'm not a professional, but if you ever need a listening ear I'm always here and please don't hesitate to reach out and email me <3

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  2. You are not alone Rachael. Lately, I've had waves of loneliness and just feeling so shut up and not wanting to talk to other people about my struggles. Sometimes I think it's 'selfish' of me, but I actually think it's been my pride holding me back. My whole life I've struggled with pouring out what's really inside of me. Writing is one of the best outlets for me, but even then it's still hard. I'm so so so so incredibly grateful you wrote this, because I need to remember I'm human and I'm often weak and it is ok to not be ok. because Jesus heals. and He knows my very great weakness. So many hugs from miles away.

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    1. Wow Emily, you really offered me insight into my own situation there. I never really thought of it being a pride issue, but I definitely see how it can be. Writing is one of my outlets too, but when I get stuck in these places as I do from time to time writing gets incredibly difficult just like you said. Thank you for offering some very wise insight sweet friend. Sending hugs and prayers right back <3

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  3. I think it's really easy in a world of positive quotes to feel like we can't ever have any other emotion without being judged, but that's not realistic! We need the whole spectrum!

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    1. Exactly!! I LOVE positive quotes, but it's just not realistic to be happy 100% of the time and that's ok! Life isn't all roses and I'm not sure I would want to live in that kind of world. I appreciate the happy and good times so much more when I go through the hard times.

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  4. I've been there too. It's hard to let people know that life isn't perfect. This is a lesson I'm still learning. THanks for putting it out there.

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    1. It's definitely hard, but everyone goes through periods like this and it's perfectly fine to admit everything isn't ok. I caught up on reading your blog and I'm sending prayers your way for your sweet pup <3

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  5. Wow. So a week before you wrote this, I pretty much ugly cried in a blog post. I was definitely not okay and I was definitely tired of pretending that I was. I'm also one to hide behind a facade - have been my whole life - and honestly, I think that was actually part of the problem. It was just too much to hide anymore. And now, I too am working to being in a better place. It's definitely not easy and I don't necessarily like the attention but, like you said, it's okay to say that I'm not okay. You're definitely not alone. Thank you so much for writing this. I definitely needed to read it. <3

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    1. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now! I relate to everything you said and I am coming to understand that hiding behind the facade of "I'm ok" is exhausting in itself. There's absolutly nothing wrong with admitting you're not ok because everyone goes through periods of not being ok because life isn't easy or perfect, but getting support from others makes those not ok times a little bit easier. Thank you so much for your sweet comment and know I am sending love and prayers your way <3

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