I DID IT!

I finally did it this morning and by IT I mean run! I haven't been able to run in over a year, per doctors orders, but this morning I needed to run. 

Running was my outlet. Something about pounding it out on the pavement and focus on nothing but pushing forward feels so good. It allowed me to clear my mind and spend however long thinking about absolutely nothing. I'd also use the time to put on some worship music and just pray. 

However, over a year ago my doctor ordered me to stop running. Looking back I understand why. I was pushing myself way too hard. I wasn't fueling my body properly. My lupus wasn't under control and my body ached, but I'd run anyway. Maybe I was trying to run away from the problems or try to fool myself into thinking I was fine, I don't know, but having running taken away from me made me realize I had started to run for the wrong reasons. I would be in horrible pain, but I'd run anyway.

A year is a long time and I've had a lot of time to think about running. During the winter months I didn't miss running so much because I hate winter, but when the weather started to turn warm I missed it. I think there's something inside of you that once you start running it literally becomes a part of you. I dutifully obeyed and didn't lace up my shoes. Instead I found myself in the weight room. I did a little bit of lifting before, but now it was my one outlet and I found out I loved lifting. I love how empowering lifting is and I love beating my personal records, but I still missed running.

This morning I was up way too early (insomnia lives) and while I was at the gym my heart just wasn't feeling lifting this morning. I did what I haven't done in far too long. I stepped on a treadmill and ran. I didn't run my fastest or super far but I ran! It felt beyond liberating. I did intervals of running and walking and made sure to listen to my body on when to stop.

I don't know what it means in the long run- haha no pun intended- and of course I'm going to talk to my doctor, but right now I'm focusing on how amazing it felt to just run. Do I hope to get back to training for a half marathon (and eventually a marathon)? Absolutely, but at the end of the day I ran. And it felt darn good <3