February 21-27 is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Raising awareness and educating others about eating disorders, recognizing signs/symptoms, and supporting those recovering is something that is a passion of mine. I have had far too many friends suffer from eating disorders and there is a certain stigma in our society that so and so should just eat a burger. It's not that simple. Eating disorders are incredibly complex and involve so much more than just food.
In honor of NEDA Week I asked my sweet friend Allie to share her story. I adore Allie for so many reasons, but one of my favorite things about her is she is incredibly raw and real. She's very open about her struggles with ED and her continuing journey to recovery. It's incredibly difficult to be so open and honest about something so incredibly personal, so I ask for you to be kind. Allie is an incredibly brave, strong, and beautiful young woman and I am honored to share her story. In her own words here is Allie.
In honor of this week being national eating
disorder awareness week, I would like to share my story with you all. For the past 4 years, I have struggled with
an eating disorder (anorexia) that went undiagnosed for over 3 years. It all started my freshman year of college
after I went gluten and dairy free for medical reasons. I have been lean/athletic my entire life, but
after going gluten free I started to lose weight gradually. I remember returning from a trip to the
boundary water in August 2012 and weighing myself, and to my surprise I had
lost 5 pounds in just a week. This
should have been alarming to me, but I was excited about it. I became obsessed with the number on the
scale, and I kept it a secret from friends and family. I was on the ski team my freshman year, and I
can remember sneaking down to the school’s training room before practice to
weigh myself multiple times a week. Not
only was I weighing myself regularly, I was not eating nearly enough to fuel my
body as a skier. The gluten free
cafeteria options were not very extensive, and I recall eating the same foods
over and over again. I lived off of salads, stir fry, and gluten free peanut
butter sandwiches. I also had a bunch of
snacks that I kept in my dorm and would make oatmeal or smoothies for
breakfast. I don’t remember exactly when
this was, but sometime during my freshman year I started using the MyFitnessPal app to track my meals and calories.
I had a set weight in my mind, and clearly my goal weight was not
healthy for my height. When I came home
from college for winter break, my parents were worried about me and my recent
weight loss. My mom’s goal was to
“fatten me up” over the next month. I
was nervous to gain weight but I knew I needed it to keep up my strength for
skiing.
My relationship with food
didn’t really get much better over the break or during ski season. I started binging on gluten free sweets
because I had uncontrollable hunger and I thought it would help my gain
weight. After binging, I would restrict
the next day or two, and it became a viscous cycle. I gained a few pounds but it still wasn’t
enough (keep in mind that I was not in treatment during this time). That May I went on a study abroad trip to
Spain for 5 weeks and I had the time of my life, but my ED was still there
bothering me like a pesky fly. I
remember journaling during my trip and I would write things such as “you need
to lose x amount of weight” or “stop binging you’re going to get so fat.” Although I say I had a wonderful time in
Spain, which I did, I was miserable on the inside because of my ED. The meal times in Spain messed me up completely;
most days I would be STARVING all morning and afternoon because we didn’t eat
lunch until 3pm. I remember binging on
trail mix and popcorn because I was so hungry, yet I would wake up miserable
and bloated the next day. The night
before our flight, I had a binge and it left my stomach SO messed up on the
plane ride home. I was so sick and then it finally clicked with me that I
needed to stop binging. To be completely
honest, I have not had a major binge since 2013, and I am proud of myself for
breaking out of that nasty cycle. I
should probably mention that I lost about 10 pounds that I didn’t even have to
lose while I was in Spain. I remember my
mom’s initial reaction when she first saw me in the airport. She was shocked
and worried about my weight loss. Also,
another important thing to mention is that I lost my period the next year. Throughout my entire sophomore year I never
really gained any of the weight back and my period was MIA, which was really
scary.
The summer after my sophomore year, something
finally clicked in me. I was worried
about my weight being so low and I was sick of being skinny and cold all the
time. I started following a lot of
fitness accounts on Instagram, and had seen people’s transformation pictures,
and I thought “wow I want to be strong like them.” Because of a foot injury, I was no longer
able to run, so I decided to give weight lifting a shot. I fell in love with lifting weights, and I
loved the curves I started to build.
Throughout the fall of my junior year, I continued to lift weights and I
had gained about 15-20 pounds from my lowest weight. I threw away the scale, and focused more on
how I felt and how my clothes fit.
Gaining weight was not easy mentally.
It was hard to see my cheeks fill out and I had to buy new clothes. At this time, I was not counting calories,
and I was eating more than ever because my metabolism was on fire. I would like to think that this was my best
point in the past four years, but to be honest I don’t know if it was. I was not engaging in disordered eating
habits, and I was at a healthy weight, but I still wasn’t my happiest. During the winter of 2015, I started to worry
that I had gained too much weight, and I decided to start weighing myself more
often, and the obsession started to creep back.
I remember losing about 5 pounds before my trip to Florida over spring
break, and I liked the way I looked, but I thought, hey losing another 5 pounds
wouldn’t hurt me.
During the month of May, a previous wrist injury
started to flare up when I was lifting weights.
It gradually got worse and worse throughout the summer, and I was unable
to lift arms. The pain became so
unbearable that I had to get surgery this past August. The recovery from wrist surgery was very
tedious and I was unable to touch weights for over 4 months. This was devastating for me. I had to figure
out new forms of exercise, so I started biking for about 30-60 minutes every
day. I was not obsessively exercising,
but I was strictly doing cardio and no weight lifting. I started to lose muscle gradually, and the
number on the scale started to creep back down.
This past fall was when my eating issues/restricting started to return. I started skipping breakfast most days and
would often not eat my first meal till 12 or 1pm. I was tired and cold all of the time, and my
energy levels were very low. I remember
almost
passing out at the gym multiple times because I was so hungry and
tired. Low blood sugar attacks were also
happening. I remember having extreme
anxiety and hypoglycemia during church once because I hadn’t eaten in over 5
hours. It was not fun. I also started to weigh myself nearly every
day, and I got obsessed about losing weight.
During this time, I was also dealing with major stomach issues,
(Irritable bowel syndrome) which caused me to restrict even more. There were days were I wouldn’t eat dinner
because I was so sick to my stomach (bloating, cramps, and nausea). My parents, sister, friends, and therapist
became extremely worried about me, and they didn’t know what to do. Although I was never at a dangerously low
weight, I was still struggling. Many
times, I thought “oh I am not sick or skinny enough to have an ED” but this was
so not true.
I decided to start seeing the
dietician on campus, who gave me a specific meal plan to follow, yet I still
didn’t follow her advice because of my stomach issues. It is so much easier said than done to tell
someone with an eating disorder to just “eat more and eat more often.” At my follow up appointment with the
dietitian in January, she diagnosed me with anorexia and told me there was not
a whole lot she could do; after this she said I would have to starting seeking
treatment at an outpatient eating disorder clinic. With the advice of my therapist, I was referred
to an outpatient eating disorder clinic, where I started treatment this past
January. I am currently meeting with
both an eating disorder therapist and dietitian once a week. I am also prohibited from working out, and I
haven’t been to the gym in over 5 weeks. Recovery is HARD. Admitting that I have anorexia has been one
of the hardest things. Lately I have
more bad days than good days. There are
days when I feel the urge to weigh myself, take progress pics, and restrict
food. In fact, I have given into some of
those things, but my therapist has done a wonderful job with keeping me on
track. Increasing my intake has been difficult.
I have to track my meals and symptoms on an app for people with eating
disorders called Rise Up, and then I
email my dietitian my meals on a weekly basis.
I currently do not know how much I weigh, which scares the hell out of
me sometimes, but I know it is for the best.
I am taking recovery day by day, and I keep reminding myself that it
WILL get better, and I just have to keep trucking along. I am SO thankful for all the support from my
family, friends, therapist, dietitian, and the Instagram community. I have been blown away by the number of
people who have reached out to me in this hard time. I cannot wait to be healthy again so that I
can workout and just live a normal life. Recovery is not linear. It takes a lot of time, patience, and
commitment. I have faith that things
will get better, no matter how much time it takes. Thank you for letting me share my story. I hope this speaks to some of you and just
know that we are all in this together.
Stay strong, all of you ED warriors!! <3
