Learning to Trust When Life Feels Very Out of Control

Have you ever looked around and thought everything feels so out of control? 

I'm very Type A and I like everything to be scheduled and planned out weeks, even months in advance. I start planning what Christmas presents I will get people in the summer, I buy birthday cards three to six months in advance, and I plan out my grocery order two weeks in advance. But life does not always go according to plan. I really don't like when I cannot control the circumstances and dare I say even the people around me. I want everything to go this way and when it does not go that way I feel very out of control. 

Maybe you're like me and feeling very out of control recently. When everything does not go according to plan and hopes and dreams come crashing down it can be gut wrenching. You question yourself. You question God. WHY would God who is supposedly good allow this to happen? Does God not want what is best for me?  

Recently I listened to a sermon about our need for control and let me tell you it was a punch in the gut. My need for control, and maybe yours too, is a problem. My need for control shows a lack of faith in God to make the best decision for my life. I want to control God and tell him what is best for my life. My perfectly laid plans might not be what God has in mind for me and when his plan do not match mine I get upset. I think I know what is best for my life when in reality I can't see the full picture. 

God knows the full picture of my life. He knows when I sit, when I rise, he knows my thoughts, and he knows the desires of my heart (Psalm 139:2). Who am I to think I know what is best for myself when God knit me together (Psalm 139:13)? The reality of it is I do not know what is best for my life. Simply saying that has me feeling shaky and very out of control. 

I never planned to stay in Nebraska more than two years. My plan was to finish my television contract out and move on to my next market without ever looking back. God had different plans. I met my now husband at the station, we married, and now I've been in NE for 3.5 years. Had I followed my own plans I would have missed out on the biggest blessing of my life. 

Last winter we were making plans to change jobs and leave NE. As we were finalizing offers, COVID hit and everything was tabled. I pushed and pushed and pushed because I was miserable and this was what I wanted. I worked so hard to make the move happen, but no matter how hard I pushed it would not work. I was so angry with myself, with God, and with the world because I thought this what was best for me. Less than six months later the town we were looking to move to burned to the ground in a wildfire. The houses we looked at were gone. There was nothing but ash and rubble remaining. That wildfire did not surprise God. He knew all along that was not the time or the place for us to be.

So why even after seeing God's hand of protection guide us do I still try to control everything around me? Well for starters I'm not perfect, my husband would tell you I'm far from it. In our hearts we can know God is good and God is for us, but intellectually we still want to control all that is around us. That doesn't make us bad people, it's doesn't mean we don't trust God, it simply means we are human. I'm learning that instead of feeling overwhelmed and out of control, I need to take a step back and realize I am not in control and I need to go to the one who is in control. 

There's a song called, "Hallelujah Even Here" by Lydia Laird and it's perfect for the moments when we feel very out of control. Instead of looking at the circumstances spiraling out of control around us we need to look up to the one who controls it all. It's not easy to praise God when things don't go our way or when we feel out of control, but it's not a race. Lord knows I'd lose every single time, but praise God for his grace. Sometimes I begrudgingly come to him and say this is not how things were supposed to go. God does not care how we show up, he will welcome you as you are. Read that again, God does not care how you show up, he will welcome you as you are. God just wants you to show up.

When you're devastated because a job didn't work out, or a relationship that you thought held promise ends, or when someone says something very hurtful God welcomes you with open arms. God doesn't ask you to clean yourself up and bring the best version of yourself, sometimes we have to come kicking and screaming and fall at his feet. Sometimes we have to drag ourselves to him because we want to hide in our shame. God still welcomes you. When things did not work out last winter there were plenty of day and nights I cried and screamed and demanded to know why. God does not love us any less when we question him or when we're angry when things don't work out as we planned them, he wants you to bring all of that to him. Lay that burden at his feet. It's a heavy load to carry yourself. Lay it down at the feet of the one who holds you close.

We may never know why God allowed something to happen to us, we may never know why something we were desperately hoping and praying for did not work out, but I promise you God's way is always so much better than ours. Even when we can't make sense of it, even when it hurts now, God is still holding you close and his plan for you is perfect (Joshua 29:11). 

So if you're a recovering Type A like me there is hope. God has not given up on us yet, thank goodness. You are not in this battle alone, God is with you and he is for you, he will never leave you or forsake you (Deut. 31:6), even when you're still trying to plan your life out because you just can't stop yourself God is still with you.