Goodbye Nebraska

For the first two years I lived in Nebraska all I wanted was to get out. I moved here for a job, believe me I'd never willingly choose to move to Nebraska. I never expected to get engaged then married here, build a circle of close friends, and wind up with three dogs, yet here we are. 

When I moved to Nebraska I HATED it. It's hot as hell, literally, no one told me I would never have a good hair day because there is so.much.wind, and half the time the city of Lincoln smells like a barn. I thought the "Nebraska nice" saying was a joke, but turns out it's true. Most people are really nice. People made an effort to welcome to me, invite me to events, include me in conversations, and make this Michigan girl feel a little less like a fish out of water. 

Now our time in Nebraska is coming to a close. My husband was offered a News Director position in West Virginia so we are moving so he can chase his dreams. We had fully planned on staying in Lincoln another year, but just days before we were going to resign our lease he got the call and the offer followed. We found a house with some land for the dogs to run and for at least the next two years West Virginia will be home. 

It's bittersweet to be leaving NE. I never expected to think of this place that's literally a sea of corn with a few towns in between as home yet it is. We have restaurants that employees know our orders at, we rarely make a trip to the store without bumping into someone we know, and there's a familiarity to everything that welcomes you back like a big hug. Compared to where I grew up Lincoln is a small town. At times it feels suffocating to me because everyone kind of knows each other, but it is nice to have a tight knit community to come beside you when things aren't going great. 

While we work on packing, which I HATE, there's a few people I'd like to say thank you to. Yazmin, you were the first person to reach out when I moved to NE and I knew literally no one. You offered up suggestions of things to do, places to see, and checked on me when I felt really alone. You're an incredible friend and I'm forever in awe of your strength, determination, and kindness. Your heart is pure gold. To Samantha and Buddy who offered friendship when I walked into a new job and was way out of my element. You two have kept me laughing, supported both of us, and made us feel like family not friends. I am forever indebted to you both for staying up with me during last years riots to make sure we were both ok. Your loyalty and unwavering support is rare and we'd like to take you with us. Not to mention you're both incredibly talented photographers. There's a lot of other people that come to mind, but for the sake of being brief I will just say thank you. Thank you to everyone who helped us move every times we needed help. No one ever complained that our couch weighed a million pounds (which is true) or got mad when one of the dogs got in the way. Thank you to the people who have welcomed us at church and supported us during COVID. We're so blessed to be surrounded by a wonderful community of friends. 

Lincoln is a special place. It's a great place to raise a family and maybe one day we'll be back, but for now our chapter in NE is drawing to a close. There is a lot I'll miss but we're excited for a new adventure. We'll have a new place to explore and the dogs will love having so much open space to run and play in. 

To everyone who has had a part in our story, thank you. We love you and we can't wait to see what God has in store for our next adventure. If this chapter is any indication, it's going to be a wild ride. Cheers to a wonderful ending and a new beginning! 

A Year of Isolation

It's hard to believe it's been a year since all of our lives were so drastically changed. COVID. A year ago it felt so foreign, but now it feels personal. It's stolen a year of our lives, robbed us of precious moments with family and friends, and taken away so many people we loved. 

It feels very surreal to be writing this because so much has happened in a year, yet it's felt like I'm spectator watching from afar. I've been in isolation for almost a year. I live with Lupus, an autoimmune disease that attacks my organs, makes any illness- even a common cold- dangerous, and leaves me chronically exhausted and in constant pain. It also places me in the high risk category for COVID (I shared more about it here). I still suffer complications from pneumonia that I had almost two years ago, contracting COVID would kill me. Facing your own mortality puts things into perspective. Things that seemed so important quickly lose their luster. 

It's been a lonely year. Unless you live as a high risk person or live with a high risk loved one you zero concept of what this last year has been like. I haven't been able to go to restaurants, grocery shopping, see friends or family, or live any sort of normalcy. I've missed weddings, my nephew's first birthday, and so many other precious moments I can never get back. I've watched friends and family carry on with their lives and it's hurt. I wish I could have carried on with my normal life pretending COVID was not a big deal and not thinking that I could be the next tally on the growing list of COVID deaths, but I can't. 

Quarantine has been the most isolating experience of my life. I can count on one hand the number of people who have reached out to see if I'm ok or if we need anything. It's amazing how many people you thought were your friends will drop you like a sack of potatoes as soon as they realize you won't hang out because there's too much of a risk to contract COVID. I watched as a church I thought we belonged to turned their back on us because, "We were letting fear win," "We didn't have enough faith," and my personal favorite, "Clearly we have more faith in science than in God." It hurt. It hurt to be rejected by the place that's supposed to be a refuge and comfort. They didn't care to hear my explanations of how I don't have an immune system or that I had a chronic illness that made me high risk or any of my other so called "excuses." Ironically it's place that refused to comply to mask mandates and suffered several rounds of COVID outbreaks, even the pastor contracted COVID, which I hoped would open their eyes and they would change their tune, but they didn't. Guess what, you can believe in God and trust science too.

I don't care to hear your take on mask mandates, lockdowns, or vaccines because COVID should not have been a political game. But it is. For a year I've been a pawn in a game I don't want to play, but I have no choice because my life is at stake. You have no idea what it is like to have your doctor look you in the face and tell you that if it came down to saving you or a person without a chronic health condition they would save that person. You have no idea how that feels. The vaccine was the first glimmer of hope I had had in over a year, but that was ripped away from me as I was just weeks away from getting vaccinated because our Governor said younger people were not at risk (more here). Every single person under the age of 55 who has died in our state has had an underlying health condition. Every. single. one. 

I've been blessed to be able to work from home, but when you don't see other people for weeks or months it's incredibly difficult. I'm thankful to have the dogs home with me all day, but that's not the same as having coworkers to talk to. One of the first times I got out of the house after everything had been shut down in March is one of my best friends took photos of my husband and I for our wedding anniversary. She wore a mask and I couldn't even hug her. That was in July...four months after COVID took over. 

Living in isolation has not been all bad. We've saved a lot of money because we don't go anywhere, the post man and I are now on a first name basis (my apologies for having to delivery our 60 lb. bag of dog food), and I'm pretty sure every square inch of our house has been cleaned and organized at least half a dozen times.

But unless you've lived the past year in my shoes, or anyone else who is high risk, you don't have a damn clue what we've been through. I'm forever grateful to the people who have stood by and checked on us. I'm counting down the days until I can get vaccinated and hug the people I love again. Until then, I'll be at home and on the rare trip out of the house I'll be masked up. And next time you think of saying something snarky to someone who won't hang out with you because of COVID, try walking through a year of COVID as a high risk person who's been in isolation for a year. 

Be kind, the world desperately needs it.

Learning to Trust When Life Feels Very Out of Control

Have you ever looked around and thought everything feels so out of control? 

I'm very Type A and I like everything to be scheduled and planned out weeks, even months in advance. I start planning what Christmas presents I will get people in the summer, I buy birthday cards three to six months in advance, and I plan out my grocery order two weeks in advance. But life does not always go according to plan. I really don't like when I cannot control the circumstances and dare I say even the people around me. I want everything to go this way and when it does not go that way I feel very out of control. 

Maybe you're like me and feeling very out of control recently. When everything does not go according to plan and hopes and dreams come crashing down it can be gut wrenching. You question yourself. You question God. WHY would God who is supposedly good allow this to happen? Does God not want what is best for me?  

Recently I listened to a sermon about our need for control and let me tell you it was a punch in the gut. My need for control, and maybe yours too, is a problem. My need for control shows a lack of faith in God to make the best decision for my life. I want to control God and tell him what is best for my life. My perfectly laid plans might not be what God has in mind for me and when his plan do not match mine I get upset. I think I know what is best for my life when in reality I can't see the full picture. 

God knows the full picture of my life. He knows when I sit, when I rise, he knows my thoughts, and he knows the desires of my heart (Psalm 139:2). Who am I to think I know what is best for myself when God knit me together (Psalm 139:13)? The reality of it is I do not know what is best for my life. Simply saying that has me feeling shaky and very out of control. 

I never planned to stay in Nebraska more than two years. My plan was to finish my television contract out and move on to my next market without ever looking back. God had different plans. I met my now husband at the station, we married, and now I've been in NE for 3.5 years. Had I followed my own plans I would have missed out on the biggest blessing of my life. 

Last winter we were making plans to change jobs and leave NE. As we were finalizing offers, COVID hit and everything was tabled. I pushed and pushed and pushed because I was miserable and this was what I wanted. I worked so hard to make the move happen, but no matter how hard I pushed it would not work. I was so angry with myself, with God, and with the world because I thought this what was best for me. Less than six months later the town we were looking to move to burned to the ground in a wildfire. The houses we looked at were gone. There was nothing but ash and rubble remaining. That wildfire did not surprise God. He knew all along that was not the time or the place for us to be.

So why even after seeing God's hand of protection guide us do I still try to control everything around me? Well for starters I'm not perfect, my husband would tell you I'm far from it. In our hearts we can know God is good and God is for us, but intellectually we still want to control all that is around us. That doesn't make us bad people, it's doesn't mean we don't trust God, it simply means we are human. I'm learning that instead of feeling overwhelmed and out of control, I need to take a step back and realize I am not in control and I need to go to the one who is in control. 

There's a song called, "Hallelujah Even Here" by Lydia Laird and it's perfect for the moments when we feel very out of control. Instead of looking at the circumstances spiraling out of control around us we need to look up to the one who controls it all. It's not easy to praise God when things don't go our way or when we feel out of control, but it's not a race. Lord knows I'd lose every single time, but praise God for his grace. Sometimes I begrudgingly come to him and say this is not how things were supposed to go. God does not care how we show up, he will welcome you as you are. Read that again, God does not care how you show up, he will welcome you as you are. God just wants you to show up.

When you're devastated because a job didn't work out, or a relationship that you thought held promise ends, or when someone says something very hurtful God welcomes you with open arms. God doesn't ask you to clean yourself up and bring the best version of yourself, sometimes we have to come kicking and screaming and fall at his feet. Sometimes we have to drag ourselves to him because we want to hide in our shame. God still welcomes you. When things did not work out last winter there were plenty of day and nights I cried and screamed and demanded to know why. God does not love us any less when we question him or when we're angry when things don't work out as we planned them, he wants you to bring all of that to him. Lay that burden at his feet. It's a heavy load to carry yourself. Lay it down at the feet of the one who holds you close.

We may never know why God allowed something to happen to us, we may never know why something we were desperately hoping and praying for did not work out, but I promise you God's way is always so much better than ours. Even when we can't make sense of it, even when it hurts now, God is still holding you close and his plan for you is perfect (Joshua 29:11). 

So if you're a recovering Type A like me there is hope. God has not given up on us yet, thank goodness. You are not in this battle alone, God is with you and he is for you, he will never leave you or forsake you (Deut. 31:6), even when you're still trying to plan your life out because you just can't stop yourself God is still with you.