Why you should NEVER ask people when they're going to have kids

The questions started literally the day we got engaged and then again on our wedding day. We hardly had time to celebrate before a barrage of people started asking us, "When are you guys going to have kids?" I'm sure each person who asked us meant no harm, but it bothered me. A lot.

My rather sassy self that I attempt (and mostly fail) to keep under wraps wants to tell every person who asks it's none of their dang business. Because it's not.

Imagine asking a couple when they were going to have unprotected relations in the hopes of making a baby. No one in their right mind would ask anyone that, but that's really what you're asking when you ask someone about having kids. Do you honestly expect a newly engaged or newly wed couple to whip out a calendar and tell you, "Well Susan we were hoping to copulate on May 24, 2022 and conceive our first child. Then two years later we will copulate again to conceive our second child." HECK NO. It's none of your dang business. A couples sexual (or lack of sexual) life is not your business. Not now. Not five years from now. NOT EVER. 

Now, put yourself in that couples place. Imagine you've been married for a few years, people are asking when you're going to have kid so you fake a smile and tell them hopefully soon. Meanwhile you struggle to hold back tears because you've gone years without a positive pregnancy test and each month the negative pregnancy test crushes your soul and your dreams of having a family just a little bit more. 

How would you feel?

Gut wrenching. Hopeless. Defective. These are just a few words that come to mind. These are words I've heard spoken from friends and family members as they're sobbing about yet another negative pregnancy test. Yet another miscarriage. 

Infertility, disease, being sterile, genetics, and the list goes on. 

There are so, so many reasons people struggle to or are incapable of having a baby, yet none of those reasons make them any less human.

Let me repeat that. Being unable to have a child does not make anyone less of a human. We should be wrapping our arms around these men, women, and these couples. 

Infertility, disease, being sterile, genetics, and all the other reasons that make getting pregnant or having a baby really hard or impossible suck. No one wants to be infertile or have cancer or anything else. There are so many battles people are facing that you have no idea about. And you don't need to know about the battles that happen behind closed doors. But you need to remember these are people who are experiencing something very real and something very soul crushing, but each time they go out they put a fake smile on and tell you they're going to have kids soon when you ask. 

There are also couples who just don't want kids for any number of reasons. And guess what? That's ok to. 

Life is what you make it. You don't have to get married, have two point five kids, and live in a house with a white picket fence. Not everyone wants that and that's ok. 

Don't ask anything you wouldn't want to be asked. And when you think about asking do a kindness check- Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Is it beneficial? If you can't answer yet to every single question keep your question to yourself. 

Instead of asking a couple when they're going to have kids tell them how happy they look together. Ask about a trip they took. Ask about their pets. But don't ask about kids. 

Everyone is facing a battle you know nothing about so be kind and keep your questions to yourself.