Learning to Trust When Life Feels Very Out of Control

Have you ever looked around and thought everything feels so out of control? 

I'm very Type A and I like everything to be scheduled and planned out weeks, even months in advance. I start planning what Christmas presents I will get people in the summer, I buy birthday cards three to six months in advance, and I plan out my grocery order two weeks in advance. But life does not always go according to plan. I really don't like when I cannot control the circumstances and dare I say even the people around me. I want everything to go this way and when it does not go that way I feel very out of control. 

Maybe you're like me and feeling very out of control recently. When everything does not go according to plan and hopes and dreams come crashing down it can be gut wrenching. You question yourself. You question God. WHY would God who is supposedly good allow this to happen? Does God not want what is best for me?  

Recently I listened to a sermon about our need for control and let me tell you it was a punch in the gut. My need for control, and maybe yours too, is a problem. My need for control shows a lack of faith in God to make the best decision for my life. I want to control God and tell him what is best for my life. My perfectly laid plans might not be what God has in mind for me and when his plan do not match mine I get upset. I think I know what is best for my life when in reality I can't see the full picture. 

God knows the full picture of my life. He knows when I sit, when I rise, he knows my thoughts, and he knows the desires of my heart (Psalm 139:2). Who am I to think I know what is best for myself when God knit me together (Psalm 139:13)? The reality of it is I do not know what is best for my life. Simply saying that has me feeling shaky and very out of control. 

I never planned to stay in Nebraska more than two years. My plan was to finish my television contract out and move on to my next market without ever looking back. God had different plans. I met my now husband at the station, we married, and now I've been in NE for 3.5 years. Had I followed my own plans I would have missed out on the biggest blessing of my life. 

Last winter we were making plans to change jobs and leave NE. As we were finalizing offers, COVID hit and everything was tabled. I pushed and pushed and pushed because I was miserable and this was what I wanted. I worked so hard to make the move happen, but no matter how hard I pushed it would not work. I was so angry with myself, with God, and with the world because I thought this what was best for me. Less than six months later the town we were looking to move to burned to the ground in a wildfire. The houses we looked at were gone. There was nothing but ash and rubble remaining. That wildfire did not surprise God. He knew all along that was not the time or the place for us to be.

So why even after seeing God's hand of protection guide us do I still try to control everything around me? Well for starters I'm not perfect, my husband would tell you I'm far from it. In our hearts we can know God is good and God is for us, but intellectually we still want to control all that is around us. That doesn't make us bad people, it's doesn't mean we don't trust God, it simply means we are human. I'm learning that instead of feeling overwhelmed and out of control, I need to take a step back and realize I am not in control and I need to go to the one who is in control. 

There's a song called, "Hallelujah Even Here" by Lydia Laird and it's perfect for the moments when we feel very out of control. Instead of looking at the circumstances spiraling out of control around us we need to look up to the one who controls it all. It's not easy to praise God when things don't go our way or when we feel out of control, but it's not a race. Lord knows I'd lose every single time, but praise God for his grace. Sometimes I begrudgingly come to him and say this is not how things were supposed to go. God does not care how we show up, he will welcome you as you are. Read that again, God does not care how you show up, he will welcome you as you are. God just wants you to show up.

When you're devastated because a job didn't work out, or a relationship that you thought held promise ends, or when someone says something very hurtful God welcomes you with open arms. God doesn't ask you to clean yourself up and bring the best version of yourself, sometimes we have to come kicking and screaming and fall at his feet. Sometimes we have to drag ourselves to him because we want to hide in our shame. God still welcomes you. When things did not work out last winter there were plenty of day and nights I cried and screamed and demanded to know why. God does not love us any less when we question him or when we're angry when things don't work out as we planned them, he wants you to bring all of that to him. Lay that burden at his feet. It's a heavy load to carry yourself. Lay it down at the feet of the one who holds you close.

We may never know why God allowed something to happen to us, we may never know why something we were desperately hoping and praying for did not work out, but I promise you God's way is always so much better than ours. Even when we can't make sense of it, even when it hurts now, God is still holding you close and his plan for you is perfect (Joshua 29:11). 

So if you're a recovering Type A like me there is hope. God has not given up on us yet, thank goodness. You are not in this battle alone, God is with you and he is for you, he will never leave you or forsake you (Deut. 31:6), even when you're still trying to plan your life out because you just can't stop yourself God is still with you.  

Changing Your Perspective

What a year. I think the only thing all of us can agree on is we're glad to see this dumpster fire of a year end. It's been a divisive, lonely, and just plain hard year. We're missing family, friends, and life as we knew it before COVID. 

As a person who struggles with an autoimmune disease and chronic illness this year has felt especially hard. I already struggle with chronic fatigue, the inability to battle any sort of virus/infection/etc., but this year has hit me in a different kind of way. 

I often struggle because I straddle both the worlds of science and faith, worlds that often make you pick a side. Some struggle to understand how I can be a person of faith and still stand behind science, so let me be clear, until you've struggled with chronic illness- in my case for over a decade- worked with doctors for years trying to figure out what will work best for your body, and been brought to your knees sobbing and begging God to please take the pain away you will not understand. 

Chronic illness gives you a different perspective. Science isn't political to me, it's simply science. Science helps doctors unravel and understand the intricate ways chronic illness attacks my body. Without scientists, doctors, engineers, and so many others I would not be alive. Lupus would have killed me. But because of so many amazing medical professionals and advancements I get to live.

I've spent more time in doctors offices and hospitals in my young life than most people spend there in their entire life. I'm thankful to live in a world with science and I'll even say, I'm thankful to live in a world with vaccines. It's the first time I've felt hopeful in months. 

Chronic illness have ravaged my body leaving me defenseless against any sort of illness. While you might simply get a cold and be fine in a week, I'll end up in the hospital with complications. When COVID hit my doctors made clear to me this was nothing to joke about, it would be a life or death situation for me. I've worked from home basically all year, the hubs and I don't go out socially or out to eat, we only go to the grocery store, and we wash our hands and use hand sanitizer religiously. 

People in church condemned us for not attending in person because, "We clearly do not have enough faith to be saved from the virus." Nope, that's not how that works. Ironically this church has struggled with several different COVID outbreaks, yet their stance hasn't changed. Some friends have deserted us for refusing to hang out. Those same people later tested positive for COVID. 

Contracting COVID is not a matter of not having enough faith because that's not how it works. Community spread is real, it's happening, masks work, and science is real. Do I believe God could make COVID vanish in a split second? Absolutely. Why hasn't God made it all go away? We live in an imperfect and broken world. I can't answer for God, but I do know that I'm looking forward to one day not having a broken body and being healed from disease. However, that does not mean I go out and pretend COVID isn't real. You see I don't want to be a statistic. If I contracted COVID, wound up in the hospital, and doctors had to pick who they think would having the best chance to survive between myself and someone without chronic illness, they'd pick that person. 

I stay home, avoid gatherings, and wear a mask because SCIENCE is real and the science works to keep people safe. Those in the hospitals caring for COVID patients have seen the unthinkable this year. Doctors and nurses have donned garbage bags instead of PPE because it was in short supply. They've worn the same N95 masks for a week or more because they were in short supply. They've put their own health and lives on the line to save and protect others. I stay home to protect my fellow humans and myself. It's not political, in fact it's motivated by love. I love my cousin/matron of honor so I stay home so I don't wind up as another patient she serves. We are called to love one another and this year that means staying away from those we love.

Being in quarantine for the better part of a year has not been easy. There's very few people who truly understand the depths of loneliness that a year in quarantine has brought about. I've been disappointed by people in our church for making COVID a political issue instead of offering to be part of the solution. You may not agree with how local/state/national leaders have handled or not handled COVID, but God is very clear that it doesn't matter if we agree or disagree with them, we're still called to pray for them. I wouldn't want to be the President/Governor/Mayor right now.

On the flip side, I've learned who I can 100% count on. Those people I hold tight. One couple in particular has been unwavering in their friendship and support this year and my gratitude for them is endless. They've checked in, prodded to see how we're actually doing, and loved us from six feet apart. Those are the people I want around. When this is all over I will hug them and may not let go. 

The vaccine offers me hope. Hope that if I do contract COVID after being vaccinated I can survive it. Hope that I will be able to hug my parents soon and not worry about potentially infecting them. Hope that this nightmare will soon be over. Hope that there is life on the other side of this awful pandemic.

So before you judge someone, especially someone with chronic illness, imagine how this year has been for them. I can count on one hand the number of people I've had face-to-face interaction with this year. Has it been lonely? Oh gosh yes, but if it helps stop the spread and protects my family/friends/neighbors and myself then it's worth it. Look outside yourself to the people in your community. While you might have been able to carry on and have some sense of normalcy, people like me have not been able to. 

Think of the people in the trenches of the COVID fight every day they are your neighbors and friends, COVID isn't political for them. They are simply trying to survive and save as many people as they can.  

And if you think the COVID vaccine contains a microchip to track your every movement, you're an idiot.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Bites (No bake, gluten free)

It's been a LONG time since I've shared a recipe on here. Honestly, it's been awhile since I felt like baking anything because working from home has kept me so busy and I no longer have coworkers to take treats into. 

Slowly but surely I've gotten back into the kitchen. This week has been super stressful so I've found myself baking more than usual. I don't know what it is about baking, but it's such a good way to relax. 

With the summer heat the last thing I want to do is turn on my oven. Instead of baking, I've been testing out no bake recipes. This one has been a winner with my hubs and our neighbors. It's quick, easy, it's a great one to involve the kids on, and best of all you can keep your ovens off!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Bites

• 1/2 cup peanut butter
• 3 Tablespoons butter (I used plant butter and it works just as well as dairy butter)
• 1 cup powdered sugar
• 4 oz bakers chocolate

In a mixing bowl using an electric mixer combine peanut butter and butter until smooth.

Add in powdered sugar to peanut butter/butter combo and mix until combined.

Next, using your hands roll the mixture into balls and place on a plate. Depending on the size of your balls you will get between 10-15 balls. 

Place plate with peanut butter bites in freezer for 15-20 minutes until firm. 

When you take peanut butter balls out of freezer, put 4 ounces of bakers chocolate into a microwave safe bowl and heat up in 30 second intervals until melted. Depending on the strength of your microwave it will take between 1-2 minutes. 

Once chocolate is melted coat one peanut butter bite at a time until all have been covered in chocolate. 

Place chocolate covered peanut butter bites in freezer again for 15-20 minutes until the chocolate has hardened, then dig in!

Store chocolate peanut butter bites in fridge for up to a week. 

If you make them tag me in your photos on instagram @rachael_miner, I can't wait to see your creations!